Anxiety and Depression rear their ugly heads

They say bad news comes in groups of 3.  I think they mean multiples of 3. It has really taken me weeks to even get to a place where I could even find the head space to begin to put into words the types of emotions I have been feeling.  Just when I thought I had a grip on what was happening it seemed like there would be another blow.  Back in late October and through the holidays my family and close friends experienced some tremendous losses.  A husband, a father, a grandfather and a great classmate and friend were all lost in a matter of weeks of each other.  Levi was amazing through all of this.  He has such a kind heart and while I know he was going through a lot of the same sadness and loss that I was he checked in with me daily to see if I was okay and how I was doing.  Dealing with loss in anyway is difficult.  The holidays seem to always make it a little more difficult.  Thanksgiving was a little less joyous.  Christmas, not much to really bring us all together this year to celebrate.
Moving into the New Year I really was ready to release all of the negative emotions and move into 2019.  We spent the New Year in Nashville with my best friend's family and had a great visit.  Cheer season picks up quickly in January and goes nonstop through May and we were ready for it as well.  Just when we really thought we had a handle on the grief we had more loss in our family.  Growing old is a given, a while ultimately death is going to be at the end of growing old it seemed to make the impact of the all of the recent deaths even greater. Everyone deals with death very different and reflection of each past life seems to be how I handle it.  With each passing of someone new I always and brought back to the moment I lost my Grandmother.  It seems to be the one death I cannot get passed.
Trying to keep myself busy with work I dove into my new venture with the breast cancer non-profit I have been working for.  Anything to help get me out of the house and not crawling into my bed and giving into my depression. Traveling on the weekends and seeing my cheer family brings me out of

the darkness if only for a few days, it helps.  I worked a cheer event in TX and it was a wonderful event filled with amazing people with an amazing company.  I was able to reconnect with a friend I had met through Pruvit which was great.  I even went and had a workout at the CitySurf in Dallas while I was there.  I highlight the good in the weekend because there was a black haze of negativity in my head most of those three days I was there.  On the flight over I received news that once again we would need to prepare ourselves for more grief.  One of Levi's teachers had passed away very suddenly.  This was an unexpected blow and here I was on a flight and unable to tell Levi or prepare him or hold him or anything.  He found out online, from another classmate while they were playing video games (our new reality ... nice).  He seemed to take the news okay but I was not.  I couldn't believe he had to handle all of this and I wasn't there.  That weekend I felt the mom guilt kick in hard.  My mom was in town with Levi and she said he seemed quiet but fine while I was away.  While in TX, I also had an unfortunate event at the hotel we stayed at as well.  There was a man that took his life by jumping from the roof.  In the middle of the day, we came back to find the police and every one there investigating this.  It was honestly a reality check on my depression at how deep one can get into their depression that they feel that is the only answer.  I can luckily say I know my depression has been there and I know I can recognize when I need to reach out for help.  It has taken me years and years of therapy and different medication (on/off) to get to this place.
Moving past that weekend I tried to normalize things at home for Levi.  I was dealing with another emotional week with a good friend and helping her with some things going on in her family life (I won't go into this since it isn't my story to tell).  Levi knew a little about what was going on but for the most part he was in his own world.
All of the above brings me to this week ... my anxiety over the last several days has been almost uncontrollable.  I have moments I can't even think straight or even explain what the anxiety is from but I can't even handle the feeling of how overwhelmed I am.
As of February 8th Levi will no longer be going back to his private school he has been at since the 1st grade.  I honestly have pages and pages written on all of the experiences that have ultimately lead up to this moment (I might write a book) so I won't go into it.  I am not here to bash any educator or school so I will just say it wasn't a good fit and we will move on.  Levi is an amazing child, not perfect, but unique and brilliant in his own way.  If you fail to see this or fail to thrive in wanting to make sure every student knows just how amazing they each are individually then you have failed as an educator, not me as a parent.  Levi has been with me this past week while we go through pros and cons on how to move forward and into a new normal.  He has continued to work online through some work so he doesn't get behind in his work.  I spoke to teachers, friends, family, educators and ultimately made the decision it would be best to go ahead and enroll him in the public school to finish the year.

Levi went with me to met the principal last week.  What a great meeting that was.  He was open and honest and answered a lot of my questions that I ultimately was really concerned about.  This week the school is on winter break so they allowed us to go in and meet his teachers and see where the classroom is so it isn't so overwhelming next week (mainly for me I think, Levi seems fine).  Levi will be in class with 2 friends he already knows and he says he remembers the teacher from when he was there in Kindergarten.  My anxiety is still at an all time high and I am not sure if this is the right decision or not but it helps that Levi seems calm and ready.  Also, it is always fun to shop for new school supplies!

~Sara