OCD and Anxiety

At night when I should be sleeping this is when the anxiety hits the most.  This is when the thoughts come flooding in.  This is when I start to write my blogs … in my head.  I can write them in full from start to finish.  Then I get in front of the computer and sometimes I can’t piece together everything that I had thought of but I am going to try.

One night last week, OCD and anxiety and some of the events the day to day thoughts that I struggle with are what I was thinking of so that is what I thought I would share.  A good friend of mine (a newly found friend actually) recently shared on her IG about her struggle with OCD and it was so familiar.  OCD is the obsessive thoughts or actions that you face throughout your day.  She struggles the same as I do in her thoughts and not in her actions.  I can get a thought in my head and will obsess over it even when I know it is a silly thought or one that can’t possibly be fathomable.  The thought can over come my brain to a point where I can’t function sometimes. There are days when I can’t move forward in the day unless I settle whatever a specific thing is.  This is my OCD.

Sometimes my OCD spirals and leads into my anxiety and it is a vicious cycle that seems never ending.  I thought I would share some of these.

When Levi started Kindergarten … some parents had anxiety over just their little child going off to big school, or the bus ride etc.  I had neither of these fears.  I threw Levi on that bus the first day, no tears. I however, obsessed ALL day that my child wasn’t going to eat lunch.  He begged for weeks to buy his lunch from the cafeteria.  I finally gave in.  The first day I still packed a lunch for him.  I called the cafeteria lady to let her know he was getting lunch that day. I am not sure what my exact fear was.  Would he forget to go stand in line, would he not know what to put on his tray, would he drop the tray, would he forget his lunch number, would he ______ (fill in the blank).  I obsessed daily any time he wanted to buy his lunch.  I can honestly tell you to this day if he buys his lunch I worry he won’t eat or get what he wants for lunch.  I have zero idea where this fear of the cafeteria lunch comes from but it is all consuming on these days.  I talk to Levi repeatedly about it on the days he buys, he of course thinks I am silly.  He has never starved, he has never had an issue, he isn’t a shy child and will usually ask for help if needed.  

Airplanes … I know many people have different fears around flying.  I fly quite often in my line of work.  I have very particular rules (I guess that is what you would call them) when it comes to me and flights.  First rule of flight, must sit in front of the wing.  Why in front of the wing, well, zero clue, closer to the bathroom (that nope – never use), closer to the pilot maybe, no idea. Just have to be in front of wing. Never the exit row, I can’t have all those people looking at me to help them.   Must have an aisle seat.  I cannot be by the window – why do I need to look out … why do I need to have 1 or 2 people between me and space?  No thank you.  I like to have elbow room.  Row 11 or 12 are my favorite. I like to arrive at the gate about 20 minutes prior to boarding.  Last week I was cutting it close because I actually checked a bag (out of my normal routine) so I was a little behind).  Still made it 10 minutes prior to boarding.  Never have any clothes with pockets or wear any jewelry through security.  I don’t like to have any reason to be held up.  Of course I now fly with a weighted blanket that has to be swabbed at security so this is something I need to take into account.  I pack my back typically 2 days in advance so I am well prepared.  During cheer season this can get tricky as I travel every weekend so there are times I need to unpack, wash and repack quickly so 2 days prior doesn’t happen. I have both clear and TSA pre-check so everything can stay in my check on luggage and I don’t have to take off my shoes in security.  It is the routine that keeps me calm in the airport.  Any disruption at all in this routine and I tend to get very anxious and it goes downhill quickly.  I prefer to fly alone so I don’t have to rely on anyone to mess with my timing or with my security routine.  Levi has gotten use to this routine and understands the importance of me needing my routine and he does very well to help out as much as possible when we travel together.  He does great on Marta and he carries his own suitcase in the airport.  He is pretty amazing at helping to keep me calm.  He loves the window seat! EDITED TO ADD: So I missed my first flight this past weekend.  If you haven’t experienced a panic attack or seen one go down … well if you were in DFW airport at 7am Monday morning there I was full blown pure panic. All of my planning and strategy gone.  My perfectly picked seat, gone. My security protocol, gone.  All I can say is the Delta attendant that helped me was amazing.  She got me booked on the next flight out and amazingly I was still sitting on the wing but a window seat (it would have to work).  I made it and with minimal anxiety after I spoke to her. 

Having to find parking.  Levi knows the anxiety and stress of this all too well.  I have lived in the City of Atlanta (Buckhead, O4W and Midtown) since 2005.  During this time you would think I would be pretty well versed on how to get to most areas of town.  For the most part I am pretty good but the city changes a lot these days and parking as you know is never a given anywhere you go.  I don’t mind paying to park (since this is pretty much a given in the city) but I don’t want my car booted or towed (I mean a ticket I don’t want but I can at least handle).  I can remember driving Levi to a birthday party and getting there and circling the place and not being able to find parking for over 10 minutes and then just telling him I was sorry and turning around and going back home (this was before uber/lyft).  These days I usually do take lyft most places so I don’t have to worry about parking if I am unsure of the parking situation.  I can’t explain what happens when I am in the car and can’t find parking.  My brain can’t seem to function, my anxiety level rises super fast and I can’t focus to even drive.  I get really nervous that I can’t even remember directions so I get afraid I am going to get lost then my mind starts spinning and I get afraid if I drive around more to find parking I won’t be able to find the destination or my way home so its just better to go home.  So, most of the time I stick to only going places I have been before, or I do extensive research on where I am going to I know exactly where I am parking and how to get there so I can avoid the panic attack.

Things that don’t bother me – cause I do have these too.  Cleaning, I do clean my house and when I get started I do get compulsive about it.  I get bleach wipes on the floor compulsive.  However, I can go weeks and not clean like that too.  I clean the cat box and wash the dishes on the regular and keep up with the laundry as much as possible but I am not scrubbing or sweeping daily or anything like that. Escalators, It was brought to my attention I have a close friend that is terrified of these.  I walk up these all the time and sometimes run up them if needed.  Never even thought about it honestly until she mentioned it that people might have a fear of these.  My child using the bathroom alone / walking the block to school alone (his old school) etc.  Of course there are certain times or places I monitor this differently but for the most part this doesn’t bother me at all and never has. 

I am sure there is more things that cause my anxiety and more things that don’t but you get the picture.  

~Sara