Finding Our Way

I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed.  The days seem to be shorter and the nights longer as I lay wide awake thinking about all the things I failed to accomplish during the day.  The depression starts to set in, but I know if I don’t get up and get work done bills won’t be paid and that adds another stress. 

Levi has been a rock for the last year, moving schools and making new friends and settling into a new routine.  He has picked himself up more times than I can count and always managed to keep smiling.  I know he worries … he worries about his behavior, he worries about not making it through the day without getting in trouble, he worries about his temper, he worries about his grades, he worries about what every child (friend or not) thinks about him.  He lives in this constant state of worry that one day his new school and new friends will all come crashing down on him like it did before.  He has transitioned beautifully into a strong and upstanding little guy.  He works hard at school and at two different sports.  He is always on the go and rarely complains about it.

Last night I watched as his self-esteem hit bottom once again.  He felt like he had been pushed to his limit time and time again and last night he broke.  He kept repeating “I’m so stupid, why did I hit him. I’m so stupid.”  I watched as he felt his entire new world crash.  He felt as if he let me down, his coach down but more importantly he felt he had let himself down.  He has worked so hard to control his reactions to others when they become overwhelming for him.  He knows his boundaries and last night his boundary was crossed, and he reacted. 

I feel as though I have let him down.  I knew he was getting overly frustrated with how some things were going and I kept encouraging him to ignore the behavior and rise above it.  I should have seen this coming.  I should have stepped in and made sure others were aware.  As a parent of a child that has these tendencies you never know when you need to step in or when you need to allow the child to work through it.  I will never blame Levi for how he reacts when a child has been told to leave him alone.  We will continue to work on advocating for himself and walking away to remove himself from the environment.  I will always have his back and we will work together to regain the progress he has made.