When you start dating you never think about what happens when it ends. Most of us started dating in high school, maybe middle school. Casual movie hangs or group dates to the skating rink. Fun, light, no stress. Once you hit college dating becomes a little more real. You have more freedom but you also have more daily stress. Some people might not have the same stress or responsibilities as others. You have work and school and now different friend groups and juggling them all in between the worlds of teen and adulthood. Your 20s usually is carefree and exploring more people and new places. For me, my 20s involved a lot of change. A lot of starting over, a lot of confusion in my mental health that lead to over medication and self medication and eventually spiraling into a pretty dark place.
Dating in the normal sense didn’t exist for me. My first love ended after 5 years right before I turned 21 This pushed me into a rebellion bender in a sense. Then my college BF, back and forth, situationship was so codependent I’m not sure it was ever really healthy for either of us. This basically lead to 5 years of hooking up and hanging out and never truly dating anyone, just a lot of fun and superficial connections. This is also what lead me to getting pregnant at 27 with no true direction.
After Levi was born I dedicated my life to making sure he felt loved. I didn’t concern myself with dating or meeting anyone. I attempted to reconnect with an old friend when Levi was about 3 and after 6 months that turned into a mess and then there were 3 kids involved (his 2 and Levi). The thought of a man not sticking around for me is painful enough, the thought of explaining it to Levi sucked. So I pulled back again. I went back to casual hookups on random nights I didn’t have Levi or if I was traveling for work. I didn’t let anyone met Levi. I hardly let any of my guy friends meet him either. I also never got close enough to anyone to let myself care about them.
I finally started talking to someone late in 2019, Levi was in the 5th grade and had been telling me I needed to date for awhile. He had 2 kids in HS and after a few months I felt we were on a good path. I don’t really recall when he met Levi, but I know it was shortly before the world shut down in March 2020. I was home, Levi was home and he decided to stay with us during the quarantine. After 2 weeks, he went to work, and never came back. He never called, he never texted, he basically dropped off the earth. I only know he wasn't dead because I could see he was still checking my social media. So he basically just up and left without a conversation, without an explanation. Packed his bag for work and disappeared. I guess it was too much for him, but at 40 I thought a conversation would have happened. Levi refers to him as “the crockpot guy” since he left everything at my house, including his crockpot.
I don’t spend a lot of time on the dating apps anymore. I go on a few dates but it’s hard for me to connect. I met a few people but nothing substantial. It never feels right, never feels real, never feels worth it.
It would take another few years before I truly met someone I enjoyed time with. Who I wasn’t scared to open up to. Who I loved learning more about and wanted to do things to make them happy. I spent 3 years opening myself back up. Loving someone else. Letting someone in and letting them love me.
But, it isn't enough to be loved, I need to be chosen.
Being chosen requires effort. It means showing up on purpose with clarity, protection and consideration. To not only feel wanted, but to be accounted for. To be considered in decisions I’m not there to witness and in conversations I might never hear. It’s the proof I matter when it might be inconvenient to prove it. Being loved gives me hope. Being chosen helps me feel safe.
So for now, I am enough to show up for my self and chose me.
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