8am
This morning was really tough. As it sets in that he could really be gone. Really moving on. I lay here unable to breath, unable to process loss, unable to fathom how I can move about the day. I know I cannot be in a relationship with someone who cannot communicate during conflict but the pain of living without him is so deep I don’t know how I will move on.
I’ve looked at pictures of us over and over. Listened to him sing to me to bring a small sense of calm to my morning. Opened up our texts and reread his words that he is unsure and reread the last several days of messages over and over. There was never preventing what would have happened in time. But to hear him say 'i love you' once more to have him hold me tight again. To calm my heart from beating so loudly. To help me breathe a little easier.
I’ve promised him peace, I’ve promised him no contact, but it’s slowly killing me.
No workout this morning. My heart isn’t in it. Putting myself first isn’t how I move through life successfully. Standing with support is what gives me strength and right now I feel alone. Surrounded by darkness with no way out.
I’ve allowed myself to cry and hurt most of the morning. Waking well before the sun and still laying here as the minutes turned to hours, trying to gather myself and push down all of the emotion that is spiraling inside me. My love for him won’t ever go away but perhaps in time it will not shine so brightly.
For now, however, for today, my heart is still his and it is shattered.
1:30pm
As I crawl back in bed to the safety of my thoughts, my heart shatters again. It feels like it breaks over and over with every second that ticks by. Any part of me that seems to have tried to repair through the numbness while I worked is reminded of its desire for his connection, for his touch, for his love and then breaks all over again.
The tears stream down my face with ease as my chest tightens and I’m left breathless.
Emotionless but full of emotion. Numb but full of pain. As I lay here in the silence reminding myself to breathe … just breathe. This task seems impossible in the moment.
As I continue to lay here, surrounded in the silence waiting for the darkness to surround me, my world already feels dark. There is no more light. No more days filled with sunshine and happiness. Only darkness. My mind is racing but there are no thoughts that make sense. I close my eyes to try and bring relief to my heart. If I lay here long enough relief will surely come.
There are no more tears. The numbness has overwhelmed me. My breath gets caught in my throat. My world, the one I longed for, no longer feels real.
5:00pm
As night falls and the sun lowers in the sky my heart races. The anxiety that had found a sense of calm only moments ago has suddenly picked up and can’t find safety. There is panic and pain in every breath, in every beat. Nothing is safe. My eyes are heavy. The tears begin to fall freely again like they will never stop. The feeling of being unwanted, unloved, unneeded. There is no place for me. Nowhere feels safe. The pain returns. I try to remember but his love is gone. The pain is all that is left.
I close my eyes but if only for a moment I can drift off and my heart can rest.
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