shattered heart frozen

5:00am

The nights should be the easiest but they feel even harder. I wake up over and over searching for any signs that it could be a bad dream. Reality sets in and my heart squeezes. As I lay here and prepare for another long day I wonder if he is awake and laying in the same silence, feeling the same heart aches. Choking back tears I count slowly in my head as if to slow down time. To hear his voice, to feel his touch, to see his smile. To wake up in his arms, where it’s warm and safe feels like a dream that never existed. Searching for any signs that I’m on his mind but coming up empty. My heart races and my chest tightens again. I hold back tears knowing if they start they might never stop. Silence once again fills the room. I take a deep breath and as I exhale I let numbness fill up inside me. Almost as if to freeze my heart from beating and my mind from thinking. Closing off the world that once was.

I still can’t gather myself for workout class this morning. My body lies in a crumple as I try to muster strength. The thought of seeing others and faking smiles exhausts me. The thought of driving the roads I know he drives pains me. For now, my bed is my safety. 

Once again the minutes have turned to hours as I lay here in the silence surrounded by darkness. My heart still in pieces and my mind more lost than ever. I’ll give myself one more hour to hurt. One more hour to cry. One more hour to hold onto memories. Then I must shut down. I must forget his love. I must move forward alone.

8:30am

I reawaken only to find nothing has changed. The morning sun has filled the room but it still feels cold and dark inside. The day must move forward. I must move through the pain like pushing oneself through a thick fog. There is no more time for shattered hearts. Spiraling thoughts are buried deep in my soul. My heart is frozen together so each time it beats I’m not reminded of its pain. As I take one final breath and wipe a tear from my cheek, the memories vanish for now. 

5:00pm

I finally get enough energy to shower. It’s been 4 days. As the hot water hits my face and runs down my body I try to relax. Every movement to cleanse myself feels like a chore, like a punishment. Counting down the seconds until I can collapse to the safety of the bed. 

The day was long and busy. Only fleeting moments of him crept into my thoughts to disrupt my flow. Those were pushed down and forgotten. Building up to be released later in the darkness. 

As I lay here now I’m unable to feel, unable to recall the love we once shared. I have nothing left inside to feel the pain or hurt. I am an empty shell of what was and what could have been. My mind spirals of thoughts that don’t connect. My body is weak and tired. 

Maybe tonight my heart will allow my mind to rest.