faking it

2:30am

Reality hits. Normalcy must begin. Regardless of the shattered state of my heart and the tiny thread that is holding it together. The world continues to spin and life continues to move forward. The pain comes back like a rush as I realize I will have to move through the day as if there is no pain.

There is no more time for pain and no more time for tears. The memory of my love can only be pushed aside and forever forgotten. 

Smile through the darkness to find the light. Laugh through the pain to find the happiness. 

5:00am

Fake the joy, fake the contentment. Nothing will replace what is gone. But you must move forward. He asks for more time but there is no more time. There is only now. Choice becomes an option and I’m not an option. 

7:30am

I have drug myself from the confines of my safe haven and ventured out into the world. I have forced myself to smile and move and converse with others. This exhausts me. Smiling when inside there is nothing but blackness and death. Speaking of future plans when inside I can barely think of the next hour, the next day and where a future barely exists. 

The sun continues to rise and fall. So through the shattered pieces of my heart, I breathe and in time I will find a way to move forward. 

12:00pm

As I move throughout the day glimpses of you emerge. In a song, an outfit, a Christmas gift already purchased. Memories engraved in my brain never to be erased. As I pack my bag I’m reminded of our trips together. I try to clear my head of these thoughts as if I can remove the traces you have left behind. My world feels empty even when I know it is not. I push away what is left of the reminders that you ever existed so I can go about my day. 

Inside my world is collapsing around me. 

2:00pm

As I prepare to leave I wonder if he remembers me. I wonder if I have crossed his mind like he stumbles through my thoughts each day. I wonder if he thinks about what we could be planning over the coming weeks as the holiday approaches. As I make changes to tickets already purchased and plans already made. I delay what I already know is the inevitable. He won’t be there. He hasn't been there. He possibly wasn't ever really there. 

Breathe